Omar Ochoa

I try.

Written on

I may not always meet my goal. I may not even get halfway. I may fail. But at least I start, at least I try.

Lots of hobbies and pursuits have gone and went in my life. There came a point where I started to feel bad about it. I started to feel like a failure. Why was it that I was trying out all these things and I couldn't stick with them? Do I lack discipline? Do I lack industriousness? Do I lack grit?

I'm not sure where or when the self-doubt started. Its probably just a natural result of not feeling like you "finished" or "followed through" with something. But without question it was a negative feeling that began to make me feel bad about myself.

Eventually though, there came a point where I realized that I simply try more things than anyone around me. Naturally that also meant I would have more failures. I'm constantly looking for that thing that will make me happy, so I try all sorts of things, checking to see if thats the one. School? I went through 4 or 5 majors and felt miserable. Regular 9 to 5? The money was good but wasn't satisfying. Building my own business? Super difficult and I failed. Woodworking? It was cool, but not something I'd want to do everyday. Drawing and painting? Interesting but not enough to keep me invested. Sculpting? Again, interesting and cool, but more difficult than drawing and I felt no passion there. Traveling? I feel its over-romanticized - all the plane rides, bus rides, waiting around, sleeping on different beds all the time, etc - not something I enjoyed very much and felt like I was wasting time not doing something productive instead. Writing? Love it but can never finish a book, maybe I should give this another go some other time. Robotics? Interesting but at the end of the day didn't jive with me.

And on and on with a gang of different activities and pursuits. I haven't yet found that thing that brings me such joy I want to do it everyday all the time. Is there such a thing? There are people who claim so. Wether they are just romanticizing or lying (trying to convince themselves or keep up appearances) I do not know but I guess I will eventually find out.

So I'll keep searching. I'll keep trying.